This weekend I make my marathon debut. I don't expect it to be pretty. I've been going between fear, ambivalence and all out panic for a few weeks now. I've been trying to deny it, overcome it, work through it, ignore it... and the problem is, I don't know what "it" is that I'm battling.
In August I started suffering from insomnia. I thought it was due to a stressful event. Event occurred. it's more than 2 months later. I still ain't sleeping right. I'm not running right. I'm not excited. I'm terrified.
But I'm preparing. I'm trying to carb-load like a good marathoner.... well except that thanks to my RNY I have this tiny little pouch for a stomach. I can't eat a lot at any given meal, and I have an extra hard time with carbs that can occasionally cause me instestinal pain that lands me in the ER hooked up to morphine. This has happened twice. Once was a few hours after eating a soft pretzel. The second time... no real immediately preceeding food, do we're not really sure why it happened. Needless to say, with no known culprit, I just don't know what to do about carb-loading. I'm adding an extra serving of carbs every day this week. maybe 2 extra servings on Friday or Saturday.
I had my first Annie's mac n' cheese since my surgery. I love white cheddar. I used to eat a box of this stuff in a sitting, with hot dogs! I ate about 1/3 of my whole wheat Annie's shells n' cheddar last night. a little weird tasting, but trying to get more nutritional bang for my buck with the whole wheat pasta. go me.
I was advised today not to try the full marathon on Sunday. With so many physical concerns (lack of sleep, nutrition issues and another pesky ailment that remains a mystery and requires further testing), I can see why it was suggested I do something I'm more confident in and run the half marathon. i'm afraid and exhausted, and no one is holding a gun to my head to run this marathon.
And yet, I still plan to run it. or die trying. ok...that's a little dramatic. but I'd rather saddle up to the start line and see how far I go, risking a DNF or an 8 hour time than to not try. I surprise myself a lot, so I might just do better than I fear. Adrenaline does a lot for a person. Family members on the course with blue-raspberry coolattas from Dunkin Donuts can do a lot for a person.
I can't wait to see what race report I get to write when this is done. I know I'm gonna learn a lot about running, about myself, and about my boyfriend who gets to watch this marathon up close and personal. Wish us luck!!