What will I learn this weekend?

This weekend I make my marathon debut.  I don't expect it to be pretty.  I've been going between fear, ambivalence and all out panic for a few weeks now.  I've been trying to deny it, overcome it, work through it, ignore it... and the problem is, I don't know what "it" is that I'm battling.

In August I started suffering from insomnia.  I thought it was due to a stressful event.  Event occurred.  it's more than 2 months later.  I still ain't sleeping right.  I'm not running right.  I'm not excited.  I'm terrified.

But I'm preparing.  I'm trying to carb-load like a good marathoner.... well except that thanks to my RNY I have this tiny little pouch for a stomach.  I can't eat a lot at any given meal, and I have an extra hard time with carbs that can occasionally cause me instestinal pain that lands me in the ER hooked up to morphine.  This has happened twice.  Once was a few hours after eating a soft pretzel.  The second time... no real immediately preceeding food, do we're not really sure why it happened.    Needless to say, with no known culprit, I just don't know what to do about carb-loading.  I'm adding an extra serving of carbs every day this week.  maybe 2 extra servings on Friday or Saturday.

I had my first Annie's mac n' cheese since my surgery.  I love white cheddar.  I used to eat a box of this stuff in a sitting, with hot dogs!  I ate about 1/3 of my whole wheat Annie's shells n' cheddar last night.  a little weird tasting, but trying to get more nutritional bang for my buck with the whole wheat pasta.  go me.

I was advised today not to try the full marathon on Sunday.  With so many physical concerns (lack of sleep, nutrition issues and another pesky ailment that remains a mystery and requires further testing), I can see why it was suggested I do something I'm more confident in and run the half marathon. i'm afraid and exhausted, and no one is holding a gun to my head to run this marathon. 

And yet, I still plan to run it.  or die trying.  ok...that's a little dramatic. but I'd rather saddle up to the start line and see how far I go, risking a DNF or an 8 hour time than to not try.  I surprise myself a lot, so I might just do better than I fear.  Adrenaline does a lot for a person.  Family members on the course with blue-raspberry coolattas from Dunkin Donuts can do a lot for a person.

I can't wait to see what race report I get to write when this is done. I know I'm gonna learn a lot about running, about myself, and about my boyfriend who gets to watch this marathon up close and personal.  Wish us luck!!